Coffee Cups and Counselors....

It's been 13 days since the mountain fell on me.


So today was an off and on day. I started off really not wanting to get out of bed. I just kind of laid there until 11ish. I would sleep and then wake and sleep and wake and just stare at the ceiling. I went to my counselor yesterday and he suggested that I go to a support group. What he doesn't know is that I really could give 2 fucks about strangers right now. I really don't want to try to emphasize, and support anyone else. I don't want to hear empty platitudes and sob stories. And to top it off I have little patience for the idiocy of others, I am liable to throw someone throw a window. So, I sequester myself in my house to protect the masses. I went out today for a few minutes, and I was on edge the whole time... angry, annoyed, pissed at smiling happy people who didn't just have a mountain dropped on their head. Who's biggest worry is what's for dinner?

But I digress, back to me. I was doing ok... not great, but ok today. I started posting stuff non father related, and felt like I could peek my head out from under the proverbial covers to see what lurked. But I glanced over at a coffee mug I had brought my father when he was up here for Christmas. He had forgotten to take it with him when he went home. It's been sitting on an end table ever since Christmas and I had never noticed it. I noticed it today and I lost it a bit. Well, more than a bit... I crashed for a while... traversing between anger and rage and sadness and loss. I found some rage music and turned my surround sound up to window shaking and listened to Lil Jon, Mystikal,  Rage Against The Machine and Dead Prez, until I felt like I had evened out. Amazing how a small cup can bring about such emotion.

I talked to two of my siblings today, and they are frustrated, and angry and stressed, and it hurts that I can't be there. That I'm back here dealing with this from afar. This is new territory for all of
us, and I'm not sure where the path leads yet. But I know that it's a lot of pressure...they say pressure does one of two things. It busts pipes or makes diamonds... and I don't see any sparkle when I look in the mirror.

DAY 1 OF CLIMBING THE MOUNTAIN. 
and I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life